Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.