I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
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If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
At least try to make it slightly believable
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks