If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
translated into Canadian
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
i- i did not expect this
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.