Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
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Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Oh the world we live in…
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson