4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Shortcut
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
no one likes gloating
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.