All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Just me and my debit card against the world
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella