Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.