Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
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if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
So that’s what we looked like?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
my retirement plan is braless
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.