Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
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[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Whisper out to librarians!
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist