detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
You Might Also Like
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.