The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I’m having an out of money experience.