Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
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Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
The dark side of Canada
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you