Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
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If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.