Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
*puts cutlery down*
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
When he asks for feet pics