I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I can’t be the only one 😂
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke