person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
goldfish mafia
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot