So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too