“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
You Might Also Like
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
i love modern commerce
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.