Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
You Might Also Like
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
A classic…
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this