What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.