Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*