clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
i hate you platonically
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer