She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Every time.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.