3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
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Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything