Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
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A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*