Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
You Might Also Like
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.