We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]