[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
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Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I can’t wait!
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Hey i am sexy to you now
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.