dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
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I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.