hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.