What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
You Might Also Like
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…