🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol