Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
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You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
This kid is a star!
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.