I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
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This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
The three genders
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.