Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
This is Sparta
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
everyone’s a critic
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Sounds like a bargain
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Seems kinda suspicious
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”