me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer