I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
You Might Also Like
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit