Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
You Might Also Like
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
good for her
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair