MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
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*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.