Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children