Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
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Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some