I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
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Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
How wrong was this guy?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
watergate? u mean a dam??
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.