I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
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boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Are you a cat person or a person person?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie