Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I can’t stop watching this.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”