It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
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I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
how many bears make up a bear minimum
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I bet
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.