Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Encore…
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
i dont have time for this
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.