[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.