It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
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[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
being a writer on Twitter:
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m having an out of money experience.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂