omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 馃ズ
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Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Me: it鈥檚 time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don鈥檛 think so
Me: who asked you?!
I wasn鈥檛 planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 馃槅
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There鈥檚 something wrong with your counting.
4: There鈥檚 something wrong with the dog.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I鈥檓 pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Person: I鈥檓 a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn鈥檛 that hard to spell.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.