I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
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*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.